So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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