And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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