i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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