Say something about gay babies.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
