Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
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