I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize