I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
