Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
