when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
