Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
