How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
