dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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