I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
