1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
