Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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