you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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