At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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