Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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