I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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