Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
