Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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