The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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