Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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