I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize