Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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