So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
