Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
