I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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