I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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