I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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