Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
