Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
