my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
