I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
