He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize