I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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