A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
