I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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