The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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