Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
