when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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