what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
