I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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