GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
