I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
