Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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