I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
