There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize