Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
