FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
