I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
