Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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