there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
