Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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