Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
