According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
