The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
