There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize