What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
