you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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