Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
