I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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